Two days ago I woke up (to Asher and Tate playing) and realized I had been dreaming about a freshly baked batch of chocolate chip cookies, made by my husband, and placed in the fridge for my utter enjoyment. This morning he made my dreams come true. And if you know me this is a very strange dream, a strange request, and strange that my husband would actually encourage this strange behavior. So it could only mean one thing...
Yep! You may have guessed...we are pregnant AGAIN. This time with the true FINAL FOUR!
Today we are 12 weeks, about 3.5 months and ALMOST to the 2nd trimester. I am dying to get there because it has been...well...just MISERABLE, to say the least these last few months.
So I sit here writing this (as therapy for myself as much as anything) feeling very overwhelmed. I have a list of things to do that is pages long. I am stressed out, over worked, sleep deprived, and the wearer of many hats. Because...I AM A MOTHER! And a pregnant one at that.
After having our third baby (and Cesarean surgery) we thought we were done having children. Our family felt large and full and lots of emotional needs with Me, Ned, Ella, Asher and Tate in our little family. I had some medical issues along the way and went a few months without using any type of birth control, it also took us a year to get pregnant with Tate, so needless to say we were very surprised when within those very small and few little months, we found out we were expecting another baby.
One of my best friends who just called me and JUST had a baby herself said, "I don't know if I should tell you how happy I am for you and congrats, or how sorry I am for you!" I loved that, she said it with love in her heart and I feel like she had complete understanding because she JUST had a baby herself and hasn't YET had the pregnancy blindfold placed on yet. She remembers those 9 months and how hard a new infant is.
So you would think I would be thrilled, right...well...
I wouldn't be telling the truth if I didn't say that I cried (and cried) when I found out. I know this statement hurts people who are struggling with infertility and would give anything to have a baby and I in no way mean to demean what they are going through (and I so feel for them, pray for them, and try to understand the best I can what they are going through). But the truth of it is, I am a mother and motherhood is HARD. I am NOT a great pregnancy person and do not enjoy being pregnant, one bit. I am sick, I am uncomfortable, I am extremely emotional and anxious, and have a hard time being nice to my other children...ha ha ha, which makes me sad for them.
When I told Ned's family (we were camping) I got through it, then cried. So Ned prepped me on the way to my parents and said try to say it more cheerful this time. So it was really funny and ironic that before I even started I just started bawling as I told them.
So this by far has been the most unique pregnancy for us. All our others were planned. And it's hard to even put into words how I feel. Because I cried. And then I immediately prayed, and I felt PEACE, comfort, joy, and happiness for this little child that will join our family. I KNEW it was right, good, and what God had planned for us. And then I cried again of happiness. And then I cried again thinking how am I going to do this....ha ha ha...so I have laughed and cried a lot these last few months, BUT all while knowing how good and right this is.
It's also funny because I feel very judged (and never felt this way with other pregnancies). A lot of people have said, "You just had a baby?" Or "another one, really.". Well yes I did. Tate and this baby will actually be approximately 23 months apart. But I still feel obligated to tell them that, and that I will be having my tubes tied. But I have lately been trying to feel that I don't need to explain anything to anyone. This is our family...
And then I FEEL like others are like what's the big deal I have 6 kids, or I have 2 that are 15 months apart. But the final fact of it is, it is different for everyone, everyone has their struggles. And for me, it is HARD. I don't know a mother who wouldn't say that it isn't, but it is much harder than I dreamed it would be when I wrote my papers as a 6th grade girl saying all I wanted to be when I grew up was a mother.
My kids still aren't the best behaved. I forget them on the last day of school (3 girls) via carpool. My sick kids usual have to wait 5 days before I deem it necessary to go to dr/urgent care, they need to prove they are really sick. I don't volunteer at school. I am a lousy friend, horrid at phones calls, not great about going out with friends, but for me it is just about my family. My kids need me, a LOT! My husband and I need each other, a LOT. And for me THAT IS ENOUGH!
When I start to feel overwhelmed I just think of each of my children sleeping (PS that is when I LOVE them most, they cant talk back) or in their younger years (see above). I think of how absolutely blessed I am and grateful I am for them, for my family, and for my life. No matter what personal struggles we are having at the time. Or whichever kid is having a difficult time at the moment or the individual needs of any one person in our family (myself, Ned, or the kids). We all are in this together. I am SO grateful for my ETERNAL FAMILY. And the laughter and joy they bring into my life.
So I end with that new little PARTY OF 6...wowzers that sounds like a lot!